#1: When your at the grocery store, if you spend more time picking out your fruit than you do picking out your shopping cart… YOU MAY NOT BE HAVING A GOOD TIME.Lets be honest... If you just simply eyeball the carts and grab one, you’re a dumb cluck and you run a high high risk of getting one that will veer hard to the right or left when you run and jump on the back of it. Which means either a short lived ride or a unexpected rearrangement of the cereal isle. Who wants to jeopardize their own escapade on the shopping buggy, because they made a hasty choice upon their entry to the store. You ever try to run and leapfrog onto your shopping cart only to find out that someone has already broken the foot rod completely off. Your highly anticipated ride ends abruptly as your feet hit the flooring and skid the cart out of control damn near flipping your EasyMac and powdered donuts all over the f-ing place. This brings me to my next suggestion; if your 300 lbs do not attempt to ride the back of the grocery cart cause you’ll snap that foot rod like a twig and ruin the buffoonery for all of us. I don’t mean to ridicule the fatty’s or short them of their run at supermarket-hoopla, but seriously stay off my buggies.
#2: If a successful trip to the bank is determined by whether or not you execute a trasaction, and not if they had any red suckers… YOU MAY NOT BE HAVING A GOOD TIME.
I am flabbergasted by the power of the sucker. Honestly, the bank could loose a $500 deposit of mine, which they’ve done before (I hope terrorists strike down on US Bank) and if I happen to have a red delectable sucker in my mouff (hip hop slang, look out) everything is just Jim dandy with me. Actually, now that I think about it, maybe it's not that everything becomes peachy keen, it's just that it becomes impossible to be a hard ass with a sucker in your mouth. For some reason no one will take you seriously with a red slobbery mouth and shards of candy spewing out while you talk. All they do is ask you where your parents are, and why your not wearing your helmet.
#3: If someone has ever pushed you tryin’ to start a fight and you fight, instead of using the classic retort, “Don’t push me, push a push pop!”… YOU MAY NOT BE HAVING A GOOD TIME.
That commercial was the light of my life for a good year and a half. Every single time I saw that ad with the bully tormenting the scrawny kid and then continuously shoving him as he busts out the famous line “Don’t push me push a push pop!” and the browbeater of a bully completely backs down, puts on a $#!+-eating grin, and accepts the push pop. The commercial ends with these two gooses sharing the scrumptious delight of the push pop. Please, in real life that young man would have had his @$$ handed to him in a abrasive manner and we all know it! But with their happy ending, it only reassures my previous manifesto that you cannot be ill-tempered when there is hard, mouth watering candy involved.
#4: If you’ve ever taken a cab or a ride, instead offering to drive you and four of your friends to the bar, because you didn’t want to have to sit on the hump… YOU MAY NOT BE HAVING A GOOD TIME.
The dreaded hump! No one ever wanted to get stuck with the hump. The hump meant you were at the bottom of the totem pole, it went driver/grown up/rich friend spoiled by parents with the nicest car/shotgun = whom ever called it the second they walked out the front door of the house/window = the next two dimwits that actually heard shotgun being called/then the hump = knuckle head that can never remember to call anything or the little bee hottch of family that got nothing but handy me downs and noogies. The hump, however, is the reason that the game corners was invented. Corners was started by the kid that finally got fett up with croozing on the hump to school every morning, and began trying to crush the life out of their friends as they hit every little turn, and then brings the thunder with a stiff forearm to the side of their skull as it mashed against the window. All just fun and games of course.
#5: If when you arrived at the bar, you strolled in and ordered a beer instead of a Rum and Welch's Grape Soda… YOU MAY NOT BE HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Why is that when you were a kid you were like a super hero when it came to guzzling Welch’s grape soda? I was capable of taking down a 12 pack in a single afternoon, stopping only to consume pixy sticks, fun dip, and big league chew. Now, I strongly believe that if I ingested more than ¾ of Welch’s grape soda, I would probably perform some projectile vomiting stunt, worthy of the Olympics. I apologize for the brutal imagery there, but I am still shaking off of the nerves of recently quitting candy cigarettes.
Your favorite idiot,
Ryan Montague
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