Jan 31, 2007

Humpday Humor

Republican Senator Arlen Specter has challenged President Bush's authority to be the "decision-maker" on issues of war. Uh-Oh! Something tells me as we speak Dick Cheney is hiring an illegal alien to oil his shotgun. Look out loudmouth ducks and anybody else quacking too loud! (HaBlog)

Iran is getting more involved in Iraq. Officials in Iran say they are planning to open a branch of the Iranian national bank in Baghdad. That’s right. Anyone who opens a new account in the Baghdad branch will receive 72 virgins and a toaster. (Conan O'Brien)

Showing his determination to increase the U.S. military presence in Iraq, President George W. Bush said today that he would send 20,000 Democratic presidential candidates surging into Baghdad. (BorowitzReport.com)

Hillary Clinton got a big laugh in Iowa when she said she had lots of experience dealing with evil men. It works everywhere. If Saddam Hussein had told a Bill Clinton joke on the scaffold he would have gotten the crowd back on his side. (comedian Argus Hamilton)

So far a total of eight people have announced they're running for president. My writers tell me we have to get that number up to at least 12 if we're going to sustain the jokes through the entire campaign. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

Everyone’s running for President! Hillary’s running, Obama’s running, McCain, Little Miss Sunshine — everybody! John Kerry announced he won’t run. And everybody went, "Okay.” (Craig Ferguson)

The Army Corps of Engineers has just identified 146 levees nationwide that it says pose an unacceptable risk of failing in a major flood. Vice President Cheney is calling the report "hogwash," and "a major blow to morale in our war against hurricanes." (Jake Novak)

Restaurant workers are mad at a Nationwide Insurance Super Bowl commercial that depicts Kevin Federline working at a fast food joint. They say it insults restaurant workers. Give me a break. When fast food workers finally remember to put ketchup packs in the bag then we’ll listen. (comedy writer Alex Kaseberg)

Scientists say they can now use radio waves to screen airport baggage. This begs the question: do you really want Howard Stern going through your luggage? (Gorsefeathers, RadioOnline.com)

The TV show "Armed and Famous" was cancelled. Producers of the show realized the huge mistake they made by arming these people, especially when they had to tell them the show was cancelled. (Pedro Bartes)

Professors at SMU debate housing the George W. Bush presidential library. A section will contain all of his writings on the issues. The University will designate almost half a shelf. (Alan Ray)

Van Halen and original front man David Lee Roth are set to tour this summer. It won't be the original lineup. Missing will be bassist Michael Anthony, and David Lee Roth's hair. (Jim Barach)