Horoscopes

CAPRICORN
Tonight you will be going out with a very refined, high-class woman. Impress her with how cultured you are by casually mentioning that you think it's dumb for Americans to attend a Russian ballet because most of them won't understand the words.
TAURUS
Today a close friend will try to tell you you're boring by asking if you've ever read and memorized "The Seven Warning Signs of Dullness."
AQUARIUS
Today's a good day to learn how to be your own best friend. And since a man's best friend is his dog, that means that today is a good day to learn to be your own dog.
PISCES
Today's a good day to achieve total self-reliance. See if you can get somebody to do it for you.
ARIES
Today you will be born again. This will cause several drastic changes in your life. For one thing, all of your clothes will be much too big on you!