Horoscopes

TAURUS
Be different today. Go over to KCI and pester the Hari Krishna for small change.
CANCER
You must learn to pay attention to your bio-rhythms. For example, today you'll reach your intellectual zenith by mid-morning, with a mild depression in the early afternoon ... followed by a low front coming down from Canada, partly cloudy skies and a 20% chance of scattered showers in the late evening.
LEO
Today you will make musical history by being the first person to play the tuba from the other end.
VIRGO
Today you will watch a magician saw a woman in half. Show him you're not impressed by asking him to saw her in half again - vertically.
LIBRA
I've got some good news and bad news for you today. The bad news is the IRS is going to give you a surprise audit. The good news is they've just finished installing a completely new air conditioning system at the federal penitentary.
SAGITTARIUS
Your worst fears about your son are true. He's decided that after he finishes his schooling, he wants to become a bureaucrat.
CAPRICORN
Today a young man will come to your door selling magazine subscriptions. Get rid of him fast by saying you'd like to subscribe to "Torture Digest" and "Psycho Killers Monthly" ... then invite him in for a cup of coffee.
AQUARIUS
Your lucky star is Kathie Lee Gifford. You have my deepest sympathies.
PISCES
Gee, this is so embarrassing. You see, today was supposed to be your lucky day, but ... um ... well, actually, I sold it to someone else.
ARIES
Today's a good day to walk a mile in someone else's shoes. Try to do it when they're not wearing them, though.