Apr 23, 2005

Michael Romeo's Food Pyramid

The Food and Drug Administration recently released a new food pyramid, and it made me think. First of all, that means the previous food pyramid has been wrong for decades! Secondly, we have no reason to trust the new one. If they were wrong before, who's to say we should trust them now. Secondly, the only reason they made a new pyramid is because they are afraid of the obesity epidemic. And they just recalculated those numbers, and it turns out that only about 25,000 or so Americans died last year from obesity. That is only like 0.00001 % of the population. The rest of us are just being starved for no good reason, because of these pigs. So I don't think there is any reason to trust or follow the new FDA Pyramid, and I am releasing my own pyramid that has seemed to work for me for the last 25 years or so, while everyone else was following the wrong FDA Pyramid.

So here it is! Let's start at the bottom. Pizza should be eaten at least once a day. It doesn't matter what time of day. You can eat it cold for breakfast, re-heated for a snack, or piping hot out of the oven for lunch or dinner. It is very versatile, diverse, balanced, and readily available for your freezer, dine-in, or carry-out pleasure!

The second layer is divide between Cow and Cheese. These could probably be combined into one category, but it is important to get a serving of each separately. It does not matter what part of the cow in consumed or the way its prepared, you just need cow in you diet. Try burgers, steak, or ground beef in other dishes. Cheese is even more important with its own sub-categories of fried cheese, cheese sauces, and regular plain cheese. These can be substituted or combined but must be consumed with every meal. If you can't put cheese on it, you really don't need to be eating it.

The next layer includes food for medicinal purposes. Food is needed to survive, but it also can bring lots of pleasure, satisfaction, and healing. The categories of dessert and alcohol are included here to insure that you are not only healthy, but happy too! Desserts and alcohol are required, but can be consumed as needed. Some days you will need mass amounts of Chocolate and/or alcohol, and some days you will need a little.

Finally the peak position belongs to the product that will keep you at you peak physical performance levels. Mountain Dew should be consumed upon awakening, and continually throughout the day. This will help you wake up, and keep you on your toes through your daily activities. Not only does it raise your metabolism, but you can also use it to clean the engine in your cars. Needless to say, you should have Mountain Dew on hand at all time.

Disclaimer: Following this diet may cause serious injury or death. No compensation was received from Mountain Dew, Bud Light, or any cows.

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